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Surving Men

Men love their delusional worlds, so they'll want to cling to them. Start unbuttoning your shirt for starters. He'll stop whistling -- that's for sure. He'll also leap at you and be there in one swift motion. Good. At least he's now on your side. Physically, at any rate. Now she's across enemy lines. Go for the kill. Keep unbuttoning -- especially if there are servants around. Remember that riveting scene in Bandit Queen, when Phoolan Devi is stripped and paraded naked in front of the villagers? Keep that on your mental screen. It is the ultimate degradation. After all, the film did win international recognition. So might you.

Once the chap is next to you and grovelling pathetically, you can either throw him into a chilled pool and leave him to freeze there, or cover him all over with sloppy, wet smackeroos. I mean all over. Especially if the old bird is watching (which of course she will be). Show her the power of sex, and watch her squirm. You might be tempted to giggle at this stage. Don't! If you have to make a statement, go all the way. Start unbuttoning his shirt this time. You can be reasonably sure that mother-in-law will cover her eyes, let out a scream and rush from the house, cursing you all the way. No problem. That's what you wanted -- right?

You can stop the charade now. You don't really want the man who's staring awestruck at you while continuing to unbutton himself, do you? You do??? Okay, why not? It's called, 'making out and making up'. Turns some people on, too. Go for it. But puhleeze, not in the living room. Surely the domestics have seen enough for one day? Shift the action elsewhere. Like to the bathroom, for example. Do it under the shower. It's a pleasant way to cool off. Beats an air-conditioner or an orange squash.

Besides, mother-in-law will be on the phone shortly to check whether or not her son has obeyed her advice and flung you out -- with clothes on, of course. The family's honour is at stake. It's one thing to throw out a fully-clad, crazy wife. Everybody understands that. The whole world knows it's her fault. Quite another to have the bahu of the khandaan be seen starkers as she sobs he way to her father's house. Now that's a scandal impossible to live down.

When she does call, pin your man down (you'll know how) and tell him to tell her to "F O." Also tell him that you do not appreciate coitus interruptus. He may or may not pass this on to her -- but you mean business. Don't let him leave the room for at least another hour. Insist on post-coital cuddling. Let her stew some more. If she happens to be stewing in the very next room, this is your chance to moan, groan, scream suggestively, growl and cry. If you don't know how, watch Sharon Stone in any film. Or Madonna's videos. You'll get the hang of it soon enough.

Sex has its uses -- this is the time to exploit all of them. Make it an event, make sure your husband never forgets it. More than anything else, make sure your mother-in-law remembers each and every scintillating moment of the encounter -- if she survives at all -- and takes it to the grave with her.

Excerpted from Shobha De's Surviving Men -- The Smart Woman's Guide To Staying On Top, Penguin, 1997, Rs 200, with the publisher's permission.

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